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The Lowell

The Student News Site of Lowell High School

The Lowell

The Student News Site of Lowell High School

The Lowell

Satire: Shield and Scroll now requires applicants to have the cure for cancer

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Emily Yee

On Nov. 13, Shield and Scroll, Lowell’s prestigious honor and service society, announced a groundbreaking update to its application process. While previously content with straight A’s, club leadership, and teacher recommendations, the organization now asks students to do the impossible: find the cure for cancer. 

In an official statement, Shield and Scroll explained the rationale behind this decision. “Our honor society is committed to unparalleled achievement. Anyone can maintain a 4.85 GPA, but can they cure cancer?” the organization said. 

However, this decision has not come without its critics. Some argue that this move is overly ambitious, given the majority of high school students are still grappling with the complexities of trigonometry or asking a girl to prom. “I’m not even sure if there’s a fourth floor swimming pool… they can’t expect me to figure this out,” Sarah, a junior under a pseudonym, said. Additionally, many students believe it would be difficult to cure cancer during their school day, given Shield and Scroll solely considers services rendered to Lowell.

To accommodate this policy change, the society’s application itself has been updated. Instead of the typical activities list, applicants are now required to submit a step-by-step plan detailing their cure for cancer. Bonus points will be awarded for creativity, with additional consideration being given to those who can incorporate a catchy jingle or interpretive dance into their presentation. 

Our honor society is committed to unparalleled achievement. Anyone can maintain a 4.85 GPA, but can they cure cancer?

— Shield and Scroll

Many students are scrambling to rearrange their extracurriculars to comply with this new prerequisite. For Jack, a sophomore under a pseudonym, this entails taking up alchemy, working under the assumption that turning base metals into gold will reveal the cure to cancer. Others are resorting to more nefarious means, misappropriating the club grants they received from the PTSA to enlist the guidance of Harvard scientists and doctors.

In light of the reaction from the student body, Shield and Scroll wishes to reassure students that there are other means for acceptance. “In the spirit of fostering well rounded students, applicants are encouraged to consider other options — establishing a habitable society on Mars, negotiating terms to end world hunger, finding Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 — curing cancer is just the tip of the iceberg.”

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About the Contributors
Tatum Himelstein, Opinions Editor
She/Her Tatum is a senior at Lowell. Outside of journalism, she can be found browsing the bookstore, struggling through her calculus homework, or listening to a seemingly unhealthy amount of Taylor Swift.
Emily Yee, Illustrator
Any Emily Yee is a senior at Lowell. She is very cool and amazing and awesome.

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