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The Lowell

The Student News Site of Lowell High School

The Lowell

The Student News Site of Lowell High School

The Lowell

Satire: Tragic! Taylor Swift is leaving Travis Kelce to go back on tour, in other news, I’m expected in truancy court

Mika Catangay

I am absolutely devastated. Taylor Swift is leaving Travis Kelce to go back on the Eras Tour, and if Tayvis comes to an end, I truly don’t know what I will do with myself. I can’t imagine a life without their relationship — it’s all I’ve thought about for the last six months. It’s like the universe is conspiring against love itself!

In other news, it’s recently come to my attention that I might not be graduating. Apparently, I’ve “missed one too many classes,” and “my academic record could render me ineligible to pass senior year.” What does that even mean? Yes, I spend a lot of time pacing up and down Eucalyptus Dr. during what one could consider school hours, but I’m just trying to figure out if Taylor Swift can make it to the Super Bowl after her last concert in Tokyo. You know, when the Japanese Embassy issued a statement on X, formerly known as Twitter, regarding this very same dilemma, no one called them truants. Seems pretty unfair to me.

What does that even matter — Swelce needs to be together! Taylor and Travis are made for each other; it’s practically fate. When Taylor wrote “Mary’s Song (Oh My My My)” in 2006, she said, “I’ll be 87, you’ll be 89.” Travis is literally number 87 on the Chiefs! She knew all along, truly a mastermind.

Taylor and Travis are made for each other; it’s practically fate.

Also, last week, I called the district office to appeal my truancy notice, but the respondent said excused absences only include “medical appointments, illnesses, religious observance, family emergencies, active military duty, or funerals.” When I told her that following Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s relationship falls into at least four of those categories, she said I was “pathologically, if not clinically insane.” The next day, I found my mailbox stuffed with notices that I am being subpoenaed for truancy court. I didn’t even know that was a thing, but apparently, I’m facing “Youth Delinquency Charges” for a lack of attendance, and my lawyer says I’m almost certainly guilty.

What’s worse is that it’s really difficult to get Traylor news when you’re in court. When I asked the judge if he could find me a copy of Entertainment News, he scoffed at me and said, “Get back to the witness stand.” He just doesn’t get it — how am I supposed to sit still in times like these?

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About the Contributor
Tatum Himelstein, Opinions Editor
She/Her Tatum is a senior at Lowell. Outside of journalism, she can be found browsing the bookstore, struggling through her calculus homework, or listening to a seemingly unhealthy amount of Taylor Swift.

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