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The Lowell

The Student News Site of Lowell High School

The Lowell

The Student News Site of Lowell High School

The Lowell

Satire: How to successfully get a date on Valentine’s Day: Brooke’s Fool-proof guide

Mika Catangay

Are you painfully alone? Do you spend hours listening to “Linger” by The Cranberries, contemplating your romantic choices, or lack thereof? Is it more likely that you’ll spend Valentine’s Day solo, drowning your sorrows in heart-shaped chocolates? Behold, I am a certified dating expert, a voyager of love who has navigated the labyrinth of romance and lived to tell the tale. This is not just advice; this is the elixir of love, the secret sauce of seduction, the GPS to your heart’s desire.

The first step to getting a Valentine’s date is attracting your crush. Clean up, and wear a nice fragrance. For boys, I would suggest a violent shower of Axe Body Spray. Girls, I would suggest the cheapest bottle of Victoria’s Secret’s body mist that money can buy! Most importantly, wear a nice outfit. The skinniest jeans you own, obvs. It’s your time to dress to impress.

If you didn’t know, stalking your crush is so last season. Instead, strut that cool outfit around and try a little something I like to call a ‘’calculated coincidence. ” Memorize your crush’s schedule. Accidentally ‘’bump’’ into them. Start a conversation. Then, try to flirt a little. After a couple of these ‘’coincidences,’’ build a bond. I promise a Valentine’s date is near and in sight!

The next step is to start casually dropping hints about your shared interests. Does your crush like Fortnite? Great! As of today, you’re actually a master at Fortnite. Dare I say you’re Ninja. Show up to school with a monitor, controller, and game console ready to be plugged in. Learn the Fortnite dances and do them randomly around your crush to impress them. Figure out whatever a ‘’fanum tax Kai Cenat’’ is. It’s cute to show interest in what your crush likes! Don’t forget two controllers so you guys can play together.

March up to your crush, proclaim your love, and ask them, ‘’Do you fw me?”

Finally, once the groundwork is laid, the chemistry is amazing, your hands are shaking from excitement (or is that the excessive Fortnite?), it’s time to make your move. March up to your crush, proclaim your love, and ask them, ‘’Do you fw me?” Depending on their answer, you’ll know whether or not you’ll be booked and busy on the big day.

My dear reader, I hope Cupid hits the bullseye of all your heart’s desires this Valentine’s day. A special date included!

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About the Contributor
Brooke Laur, Columns Editor
She/Her Brooke is a senior at Lowell. Outside of school, she can be found getting burritos with her friends, listening to podcasts, and daydreaming on the bus. Brooke's motto in life is ''do it for the bit''.

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