Ahh, finally! Once again, spring has arrived in San Francisco. At Lowell, the season is marked by vibrant yellow flowers speckling the campus, the smell of pollen drifting through the air, and the lush green lawn covered in dandelions, bees, and — goose poop?! Who could have left such a pungent mark on Lowell’s campus? Well, I’m here with one of our local geese, Ryan Gosling, who has finally returned to our lawn after his long winter migration. Ryan, tell us, what is it like being a goose at Lowell?
Hey Stella, thanks a lot for having me. Before I begin, let me just say how much I appreciate this interview. I mean, me and my flock are constantly tortured by Lowell students.
Constantly tortured? What do you mean?
Pardon my honkish, but they’re ducking animals! Your classmates love to chase us around the field while we’re grazing! I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it! Well, joke’s on them! I poop on that lawn. I poop on that lawn a lot. Do you know how much fiber is in grass? Too much. That field is more poop than plant, and your buddies are getting my goose juice all over their fancy-pantsy human shoes.
Geese – uh, I’m sorry, geez! Sounds like you’ve got a lot of pent-up rage towards Lowell students, Ryan.
Oh, it’s more than rage. I’m sick and tired of these nerds running us around. You humans are fowl creatures! Constantly littering on our leafy green breakfast, mocking our language with your dis-goose-ting impressions of our honks. And it’s not just you awkward teens! Last week, as I was taking my morning stroll through the dewy grass, a middle-aged man attempted to run me over with his golf cart! If only I had some dang opposable thumbs! Then YOU’D be the ones running for your lives, while my goosey booty was plopped behind the wheel! But just you wait, I’ve got something sinister up my tail feathers — literally. While you Lowell students are stuck in hallway traffic, me and my flock are out on the lawn, plotting our revenge. Tell me, feeble-minded interviewer, when are the students and staff of your lowly school all gathered outdoors, at once?
Hmm — the rallies?
Exactly. Let’s just say the cardinals won’t be the only birds attending.
Geesh – oh shoot, not again – I mean, yeesh! Well, there you have it, Lowellites: the geese are bloodthirsty poop machines out to get us. It’s far too late to make amends; their tiny brains can’t be reasoned with! Remember: wear hard hats when outdoors this spring to protect yourself from their fowl play.
